Caregivers need breaks. Respite care can happen many different ways. You might get a break by hiring a home care worker. Perhaps other family members can step up and rotate time with your relative. Taking advantage of adult day programs or temporary stays in a residential setting is another possibility.
All of these possibilities rest on getting your relative to agree to new people, routines, and places. Without agreement, you won’t get that break.
It’s not uncommon for people with dementia to refuse help of any kind. The secret to getting someone to accept help is to understand and address common and possible reasons for not accepting help. For example:
“She’s just stubborn.” This common statement usually indicates that the person with dementia is used to being in control of her own life and is still trying to be independent.
“I can take care of myself.” This sounds like denial, but has more to do with changes in the brain that result in the person not understanding things accurately such as how much assistance she needs.
“I don’t need any help.” When people develop cognitive changes, they may feel humiliated. Admitting that one needs help can be a very hard thing to accept for both the person with dementia and their care partners—especially after decades of independent living.
“When somebody helps me, I feel useless.” Feeling useless or worthless can lead to shame and make people very resistant to accepting help.
“I’m saving money for a rainy day.” For older people who have spent their whole lives saving money and being thrifty, the idea of spending money on help, especially when they think they don’t need it, may be very difficult to accept. The idea of a sliding scale or “charity care” makes them feel uncomfortable.
“I don’t want strangers in my home or knowing my business,” or “I don’t trust anyone to come in my home.” Inviting strangers into one’s home is a big step, especially for people with a strong desire for privacy. Sometimes day programs are a better solution for that reason.
Are you the problem?
Ask yourself, are you the one getting in the way of accepting help? As family members we may have some of the same feelings and hesitations as our relatives with memory loss. Discussing this with a professional can help you sort out your emotional issues and decide how to proceed.
How to get help even when your relative refuses it
Arranging respite care by bringing help into the home for the first time can be very troubling to the person with dementia. She may feel insulted, humiliated or angry or a combination of these feelings. Here are ways to make the process easier:
Look for a familiar person to step in to help—a neighbor, friend, housekeeper or gardener who can become a part-time companion. This can happen gradually and subtly and your relative may not notice the change in role. The person with dementia may not know they are being paid.
Present the change as helpful for you rather than your relative. Bringing someone into the house IS help for you. Respite care gives you some peace of mind and may relieve you of some of your responsibilities. Mary’s mom Karen lived with her and her husband. For many months Karen was fine staying alone while Mary was at work. However, Mary began to get anxious phone calls from her mother. Sometimes when she got home her mother would say, “Where have you been? I’ve been so worried!” Mary took this as a sign that Karen needed someone with her and hired a home care agency a few hours a day.
She told her mother, “Amanda will be coming in a few hours while I’m at work. She’ll be helping me with laundry, cleaning, shopping and cooking, but she’s available to hang out with you if you want company. You don’t have to interact with her though if you don’t want to. She’s coming to help me.” Initially Mary made sure she was at home when Amanda came and made sure that Amanda understood the plan. Karen accepted help on these terms and eventually enjoyed doing things with Amanda. After several months she also allowed Amanda to help her with bathing.
Give her as much control as possible. When people feel like they are losing control of their lives, they often dig their heels in. Think about how to help her feel she has some control:
- Offer choices whenever possible.
- Involve her in the interviewing and decision of hiring home care.
- Make it feel like she is helping you. She is!
Beth Spencer and Laurie White